1. do not hang out in gas stations.
2. if three pretty girls happen to come up to you at a gas station and ask you where there is a place to buy firewood in your small town, it is okay to offer them firewood from your own backyard. in fact, this is a random act of kindess and there are not enough of these in the world.
3. when these girls follow you and your silent friend (who is driving a teal escort, circa 1988) back to your house, pull in your driveway and pop the trunk of their cute mazda6, it is really NOT OKAY to say this: "oh, well, you don't have to put it in your trunk. i thought i'd just throw it in my truck and bring it on by your campsite. i thought maybe i could hang out with you guys for a while."
so, listen, creepy tyler (if that is your real name). dr. murph, phoof, and i appreciated your effort and your offer at the gas station. we were prepared to hand you five bucks for your trouble, and if you'd just let us take the firewood, we would have gone back to the campsite talking about how nice you were. instead, we floored it back to our friends (to make sure we beat you there) and proceeded to apologize profusely and promise to tell their families if anyone got murdered in their sleep. we didn't even have time to think of a polite way to say no to your really creepy/strange request - i mean, who wants to hang out with a bunch of strangers on a saturday night? WHERE ARE YOUR FRIENDS?! okay, now back to the list.
4. when you arrive at the campsite, you should introduce yourself to the rest of the group - not just lay some firewood down and sit on a log where you can size everyone up.
5. if you are going to be a party crasher, you should at least take part in the games that are being played - namely "never have i ever" and shoulders (which is the most fun drinking game EVER). no one cares that you're a virgin and can't relate to most of our "never have i ever" moments. you can still participate and be fun, instead of sitting on your log silently.
6. do not ever say things like, "i've gotta go get something from the truck" - because we were pretty sure you were referring to the chainsaw you were planning to use to dismember us one by one. please be more specific.
7. bragging about all of your guns and making blatant racist remarks is not a good way to endear yourself to a new group of people. if you're a republican/conservative, that's just fine - but realize that sometimes it's smart to keep your opinions to yourself. especially if they involve weapons and the strangers whose party you crashed already think you're going to kill them.
8. do not mooch beer off the already-drunk boys. they may not realize how much you drank, but trust this...in the morning, they will be angry. plus, we had no need to contribute to alcohol consumption by a minor - you brought this on yourself. the least you can do is attempt to buy your own beer before arriving.
9. do not make friends with the random drunk stranger from the next campsite. he is not welcome any more than you are.
10. when everyone at the campsite goes to sleep, YOU GO HOME. you do not sit there around our campfire with the other random stranger.
11. finally, if you are going to sit there quietly on a log, stare us down, not play our games, and drink all our beer...at least have the decency not to whine about us all after we go to bed in our tents and ask you to leave. it is not okay for you to call us mother-f'ers and complain about how you had to sit there and listen to all of our secrets during never have i ever. excuse me? you didn't HAVE to do anything. we didn't want you there in the first place! you could have left at any time and we would have been happy. and honestly? we definitely intentionally over-shared to try to make you uncomfortable so you would leave. maybe that sounds mean, but um...here's what we were working with. (sorry for the poor quality of pictures, but tc was a little intoxicated when she attempted to document the evening's events.)
totally sketchy, right?
okay, now i'm pretty sure he was going for the chainsaw.
moral of the story for city girls looking for firewood: always attempt to think of a way to get your firewood without having a creepy mccreeperson hillbilly follow you to your campsite.
moral of the story for lonely small-town boys: make some friends and get your own campsite.
