68 - airing of grievances

before i get to today's blog, i would first like to marvel at how things circulate so damn quickly on the internet. i mean, look how fast fmylife and textsfromlastnight became mainstream. the most recent example of this is a little list called thoughts from people our age, and it literally had me dying laughing in my little cube at work on monday. here are a few of my favorites:

- I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
- Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
- How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
- I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
- The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
- Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
- Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
- Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
- I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
- I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

if you haven't already seen the rest of the list, you can find it on HF's blog here. you can thank us later.

today's blog is a compilation of open letters, also known as a list of random thoughts i've had today:

dear drivers in the left lane of the freeway:

as we all learned in driver's ed, the left lane is the passing lane - therefore, the left lane is the FAST LANE. if you don't want to drive above 65 mph, i suggest you merge to a different lane. you have multiple choices, but as i believe the left lane is for 75+, the middle lane is for 65-70, and the right lane is for under 65, you can figure out where i think you belong. and if you drive a smart car, please realize it may never go above 50 mph steadily, so choose alternate routes to ensure you don't need to go on the freeway. because there are few things more annoying or dangerous than being behind a smart car on an entrance ramp. i've almost gotten flattened by a semi more than once because i entered the freeway going approximately 39 mph, thanks to the little golf-cart-sized motor in your "car".

zoom zoom,
cal

dear random girl at work who shall not be named:

a decision regarding your health is something that should remain personal. there is no need for you to go to your boss and all your co-workers and ask if you should get the swine flu vaccine. first of all, it's probably unnecessary, but thankfully, you didn't ask me. if your college is recommending that you get vaccinated and if it makes you feel better, go ahead and get it. you don't need to consult everyone in the world. you don't see me asking the fruititarian if i should get the HPV vaccine, do you? no, because A) that's personal; and B) in two weeks, i'll be too old to get it anyway. (why that thing no longer works after age 26, i have no clue - and i don't think that fact speaks to its effectiveness at all.)

healthfully yours (yeah right),
cal

dear IT guy who set up my new computer:

thank you for ensuring that my user ID and e-mail accounts did not switch over to my given name during a recent update. no one would have known me by this name, so your work prevented some serious confusion for the hiring managers here at c-health inc. also, thanks for giving me a brand new computer with a HUGE screen and much faster internet. the blog-readers thank you, too. however, it's not necessary for you to e-mail me 12 times a day and stop by my desk repeatedly to make sure my computer is working. god, you might catch me blogging or g-chatting, and that's probably an abuse of internet at work. i know you don't see many cute girls over there in IT, but i can't do much about that. i love the work you did, but that doesn't translate to me loving you. i'm sorry.

with (platonic) love,
cal

dear dr. murph:

i apologize in advance for eating a chocolate chip pizookie at bj's tonight, even thought it's clearly not in my diet. i will need to walk approximately 92 miles to work off all of those calories, but damn, it's soooooo worth it.

please don't hate me,
cal

50 - a brief note to creepy small-town boys everywhere

if you are a lonely 19-year-old boy who lives in the country, here is a brief overview of how not to be creepy:

1. do not hang out in gas stations.
2. if three pretty girls happen to come up to you at a gas station and ask you where there is a place to buy firewood in your small town, it is okay to offer them firewood from your own backyard. in fact, this is a random act of kindess and there are not enough of these in the world.
3. when these girls follow you and your silent friend (who is driving a teal escort, circa 1988) back to your house, pull in your driveway and pop the trunk of their cute mazda6, it is really NOT OKAY to say this: "oh, well, you don't have to put it in your trunk. i thought i'd just throw it in my truck and bring it on by your campsite. i thought maybe i could hang out with you guys for a while."

so, listen, creepy tyler (if that is your real name). dr. murph, phoof, and i appreciated your effort and your offer at the gas station. we were prepared to hand you five bucks for your trouble, and if you'd just let us take the firewood, we would have gone back to the campsite talking about how nice you were. instead, we floored it back to our friends (to make sure we beat you there) and proceeded to apologize profusely and promise to tell their families if anyone got murdered in their sleep. we didn't even have time to think of a polite way to say no to your really creepy/strange request - i mean, who wants to hang out with a bunch of strangers on a saturday night? WHERE ARE YOUR FRIENDS?! okay, now back to the list.

4. when you arrive at the campsite, you should introduce yourself to the rest of the group - not just lay some firewood down and sit on a log where you can size everyone up.
5. if you are going to be a party crasher, you should at least take part in the games that are being played - namely "never have i ever" and shoulders (which is the most fun drinking game EVER). no one cares that you're a virgin and can't relate to most of our "never have i ever" moments. you can still participate and be fun, instead of sitting on your log silently.
6. do not ever say things like, "i've gotta go get something from the truck" - because we were pretty sure you were referring to the chainsaw you were planning to use to dismember us one by one. please be more specific.
7. bragging about all of your guns and making blatant racist remarks is not a good way to endear yourself to a new group of people. if you're a republican/conservative, that's just fine - but realize that sometimes it's smart to keep your opinions to yourself. especially if they involve weapons and the strangers whose party you crashed already think you're going to kill them.
8. do not mooch beer off the already-drunk boys. they may not realize how much you drank, but trust this...in the morning, they will be angry. plus, we had no need to contribute to alcohol consumption by a minor - you brought this on yourself. the least you can do is attempt to buy your own beer before arriving.
9. do not make friends with the random drunk stranger from the next campsite. he is not welcome any more than you are.
10. when everyone at the campsite goes to sleep, YOU GO HOME. you do not sit there around our campfire with the other random stranger.
11. finally, if you are going to sit there quietly on a log, stare us down, not play our games, and drink all our beer...at least have the decency not to whine about us all after we go to bed in our tents and ask you to leave. it is not okay for you to call us mother-f'ers and complain about how you had to sit there and listen to all of our secrets during never have i ever. excuse me? you didn't HAVE to do anything. we didn't want you there in the first place! you could have left at any time and we would have been happy. and honestly? we definitely intentionally over-shared to try to make you uncomfortable so you would leave. maybe that sounds mean, but um...here's what we were working with. (sorry for the poor quality of pictures, but tc was a little intoxicated when she attempted to document the evening's events.)

totally sketchy, right?

okay, now i'm pretty sure he was going for the chainsaw.

moral of the story for city girls looking for firewood: always attempt to think of a way to get your firewood without having a creepy mccreeperson hillbilly follow you to your campsite.
moral of the story for lonely small-town boys: make some friends and get your own campsite.