66 - yahoooooooo!

there was a time a couple of years ago when a dear friend and i were bored on a saturday afternoon. this is when she introduced me to yahoo answers. basically, this is a place where anyone can log on and ask perfect strangers any question they desire. there are categories from health and travel to relationships and cars. some people actually log in and provide helpful answers...this is not what i choose to do. i prefer to read the questions, laugh out loud, and answer them silently in my head - usually with a big spoonful of tough love. today i decided to share some recently-posted questions, along with the answers i would post if i actually cared about these people enough to do so. i hadn't looked at this website in a long time, then my little fruititarian had me look at a question on yahoo answers last week, and all the memories came flooding back. thus, the idea for this post was born. obviously the family and relationship category is my very favorite, so that's where all these tidbits came from. oh, and i'm not changing spelling or grammar, because that's part of the fun.

question headline: I have to give away one of my dogs. Which dog should i give away?
body of question: I'm so sad right now. I am forced to give away one of my dog cuz our family cant take care of two anymore. One of the dog is 4 years old and my first dog!(it was so cute wen it was a puppy :(.. and the other dog is 3 years old and a son of the first dog i had. The first dog is a mom and the second one is a son. Which one should i give away? its so sad.... The mom, i cant give away since shes my frist dog and very fond of her. The son, i cant give away since it follows me everwhere and is afraid of ppl :( what should i do?
cal's answer: first of all, if your family couldn't take care of two dogs, why did they allow the original dog to procreate? that's what neutering is for. second of all, here's my advice. stand in your living room. put a large dog bone on the other side of the room. release both dogs into the room. the one that goes for the bone is the one you give away. the one that goes for you loves you more. if they both go for the bone, you're probably a bad dog-owner. give them both away.

question headline: Do u think my gf is going to break up with me?
body of question: My gf went to camp for 2 weeks and before our last words to each other were i love u. But her friend said for me to keep off her. Is my gf going to break up with me? She said we have a date when she gets back. My gf said that we are going to be together still next year. We are both 15 and 9 months. But also two days before she left for camp i was getting clingy like calling her 4 times a day. And i asked her if she is going to miss me and she said i don't know so i asked her again and she still said i don't know. Do u think she is going to break up with me?
cal's answer: well, i'm not sure, but i think you're asking if your girlfriend is going to break up with you. my general opinion is that if you have to ask this question, you probably already know the answer. yes, you were being too clingy, but then again, you're 15 (and 9 months!) so that's probably typical. chances are, she's gonna break up with you, and you'll find an equally clingy girl to call 4 times a day. oh, and even though she said you're still going to be together next year, i'm sorry to be the one to break this to you - girls lie too.

question headline: Did I make a mistake in this truth or dare game? girls only!
body of question: I played truth or dare friday and got a weird dare to fart on a guy's head...there were 3 hot guys and this one guy that was (not to be mean) sorta ugly...so i chose the ugly guy!! My friends say i should have picked the hot guy because the ugly guy has probably been farted on a million times...did i choose the wrong guy?
cal's answer: um, who are your friends and why do they insist on farting on people? what happened to the good old days of coed truth or dare where the dares were always to make out with someone? stop farting on people. that's gross.

question headline: I don't know whether to break up with my boyfriend or not!
body of question: I do not know whether to break-up with my boyfriend or not. We are both 14, and we have been going out now for 7 months. I logged into his myspace profile (just out of curiosity, since he had freely given me his password previously) and I noticed that he had a chat box still up from the day before - from a conversation with his best girl friend. They had both been making fun of me and he said things about me like that I'm not sexy, and that I piss him off, etc. I confronted him about it over MSN, but he denied it all. What should i do? I still really like him, but I don't want to be made fun of behind my back. I would really appreciate help from anyone, because I don't want to end the relationship, but at this point I don't see what else I can do? The problem is, I hate being single!
cal's answer: okay, although i am morally opposed to logging into a significant other's online profile/e-mail or reading their online chat conversations, you saw what you saw. how is it possible for him to deny it? he's talking shit about you with his best female friend, so break up with him. it's only 7 months of your life. get over it. and i'm still laughing at the fact that you "hate being single" at age 14. i could give you some good advice about self-confidence/loving yourself before you get into a relationship, but really i'm crying from laughter over here. someone help - i need a tissue.

question headline: How do I get my sister to dress more like Carmen Electra or Paris Hilton?
body of question: I love her very much and I am a good brother. I want her to attract a lot of guys.
cal's answer: stop whoring out your sister. what's next? trying to get her to give $2 BJs on the side of the road? asking her to film a sex tape? if she's a nice person, she'll attract guys on her own. you sound like an incestuous creepy, creepy boy.

question headline: I really like to give this girl a romantic present to remember me by...which is better: running shoes or a watch?
body of question: (none)
cal's answer: if running shoes and watches are what you consider to be romantic presents, she's more than likely not interested anyway. save your money.

57 - are you sure cornell is really an ivy?

for some strange reason, i have an uncanny ability to remember most full and complete conversations i have. i can remember the first conversation i ever had with aj-dub back at schedule pick-up in 6th grade like it happened yesterday. i can remember the first voicemail cb ever left on my cell phone, and i know exactly where i was that day and the reason why i couldn't answer the phone. i can remember verbatim the entire conversation i had at a bar (while extremely intoxicated at a bachelorette party) the night i met RT - that one is a real gem. your argument could be that these were significant events regarding people who are still important in my life, but the fact is, it's just a weird talent i have. my friends and many of my co-workers can attest that when i tell a story, it's never complete without me quoting a conversation at some point. i think it makes the stories more entertaining, but in reality it probably only makes them longer...sorry!

a few weeks ago, i had the following conversation with a friend who shall remain nameless...because i'm pretty sure i made him look silly (at least in my mind). i'll refer to him as Random Friend (RF) in this reenactment. for some reason, this conversation came back to me this morning as i walked into work and it made me smile to myself (no small task during this hellacious week!), so i thought i'd share.

me: i think i want a long-sleeved t-shirt from an ivy league school.
RF: why do you want that?
me: to make me look smart, obviously.
RF: (looks at me like, "seriously?")
me: plus, i collect college t-shirts, and it would be nice to add an ivy to my collection.
RF: ooookay. which school do you want?
me: first of all, i do not appreciate your skepticism. second, i want a cornell shirt.
RF: cornell?! out of all the ivy league schools, you pick cornell?
me: yes!
RF: i mean, why not just go with one of the standards - like harvard or yale?
me: oh, please. i see people wearing harvard shirts and think, "yeah, right. i BET you really went to harvard."
RF: but you didn't go there either!!
me: yes, i see your point. but at least cornell is more believable and less predictable than stupid harvard and yale.
RF: but if your point is to get a shirt from an ivy league school to add it to your collection and make yourself appear smart to the general public...shouldn't you get one from a school that everyone knows is an ivy?
me: again, i get where you're coming from. however, everyone knows that cornell is an ivy. it's just like the underdog ivy - kind of like northwestern in the big 10.
RF: are you sure cornell is really an ivy? i think you're confusing it with penn.
me: cornell is an ivy league school located in new york. i am not confusing it with penn!
RF: i don't think it's really an ivy league school.
me: then let me rephrase - SMART PEOPLE KNOW THAT CORNELL IS AN IVY...which is why i want a cornell long-sleeved t-shirt...for my birthday, please.

and again, my cell phone aided me in winning yet another argument, as my dear random friend had to acquiesce that i was right after wikipedia told us so. i win!

40 - funnybone etiquette

personally, i like to think of myself as somewhat of a funnybone connoisseur. i find myself going to a show about once a month, because somehow my friends (phoof, jd, non-amish amish, cb) get free tickets and always want to include me in their groups. i think this is because i think everything in the world is hilarious and my eyes water like crazy when i laugh hard, so taking me to a comedy club is actually fun for the entire table. however, after having been to the funnybone so many times, i think there are certain rules that people should note prior to attending.

rules to ensure a good time at the funnybone:

pregaming is mandatory. either grab drinks at a friend's house, go to a local bar for a drink (or four), or just get to the funnybone early to imbibe before the show starts. any comedian is funnier if you've thrown a few back. note: i would personally recommend one of the first two options as drinks at the funnybone are a little pricy - but if you buy one of their special drinks (the kneepad: vodka + peach schnapps + cran + oj = a-maaa-zing) you get to take home your glass and no one yells at you for being a bar klepto!

if you are easily offended, stay home or wait for a comedian who is advertised as "family friendly", like bill cosby or something. most comedians do use off-color or sexually-related material, so be aware of that and know yourself. if you don't like sex talk or can't shake off a controversial joke, you'll be the one of the only people in the room not laughing, which will be uncomfortable for yourself and everyone else at your table...and especially for that unfortunate soul who gets seated next to you.

you will be escorted to a table when you arrive. people who sit in the front frequently get incorporated into the comedians' acts, especially if you are a participatory audience member and/or if your ensemble is just plain silly. i once saw a huge guy at the front-center table who cracked up from beginning to end of each comedian's routine, and man, they loved him and threw him into their jokes as much as possible. the last time i went, there was a man in a full business suit who did not crack a smile the whole time. you would've thought he was in the CIA or secret service or something, and who knows - maybe he was. but hi, it's saturday night at 11:30 at a comedy club - at least take off the jacket and tie, right? needless to say, both of the headlining comedians teased him relentlessly for being so douchey. moral of the story? be aware that if you sit in the front, you'll be a target. especially if you are channeling will smith in men in black. if you don't like this fact, request a table in the back of the room.

choose your seat at the table wisely. you'll be seated with the rest of your group, but you'll definitely want to sit next to people you know. your friends are already aware of your sense of humor, so they won't make you feel uncomfortable and will probably be laughing at the same jokes you do. if there's a random stranger or a casual acquaintence in the group (i don't care how hot he/she is), you don't want to sit by them at the funnybone. if your luck is anything like mine, he/she will end up being the awkward jerk who hates sex jokes, and what fun is that? oh, and by the way - telling them to leave because they make you uncomfortable or getting up to change seats in the middle of the show is probably kind of rude and should also be avoided. and yes, the thought has definitely crossed my mind more than once, so please, i beg you, be smart about seat selection. the exception to this rule: if everyone at your table is drunk, it doesn't matter who you sit by, you'll have a great time. also, the funnybone will call a cab for your group at the end of the night if needed.

understand that every comedy show is different. sometimes the opening acts are funnier than the headliners. sometimes the opening acts completely bomb. sometimes the comedian himself will be hammered, and you'll wonder if they're going to puke, fall off the edge of the stage, or maybe offend entire cities, as andy dick tends to do. be open to whatever the show holds, and if you have a bad experience, don't hold that against the funnybone. chances are, the next show you'll go to will be better and more enjoyable.

also, don't judge a book by its cover...or a comedian by his/her reputation. i've seen celebrity comedians or people from friday night stand-up (comedy central, you are a drug to me and i love you) who were absolutely terrible live. the best show i ever went to was with a headliner who was a hypnotist. i was reluctant to go (um, hi, the power of suggestion is strong and i don't want to bark like a dog today, kthanks), but his show was absolutely amazing. i'm not even joking, his name is j. medicine hat, and you should google/wiki/youtube him immediately.

above all else, have fun! don't be self-conscious about the jokes that make you giggle, and don't worry that you might look silly doubled over with laughter. at least you're not the one in the room with your eyes watering like a child with severe allergies - that will be me.

25 - things that made me laugh

collection of hilarious things from one of my favorite blogs

p.s. yes, the first one is a snoop dogg celebriduck

source: List of The Day